Finding a new rhythm

It's been a hard week.  It's funny because Sammy didn't do much but lay around and sleep the last few months.  But her presence was still huge.  And we had routines at meal time, and walk time, that heavily involved her since her issues made things a bit more complicated.  It's been at those times, and even more so when I lay in bed at night and look at her empty space, that I feel most sad.  Some of the dogs are really missing her too, and some seem quite oblivious.

So we've all been finding a new groove this week.  I have been really trying to focus on the living, in the hopes that it will ease the pain of her death.  Each day gets a bit easier, though I still find myself desperately wanting to cuddle with my sweetest girl.

I've also been looking back at the many pictures I have taken of her over the years.  I know I am a bit picture crazy, but I am SO grateful for all the pictures now!  I just don't think you can take enough.  I have been marveling at how black and sleek Sammy looked in her youth.  It's pretty amazing how much our dogs change over time, and we don't really see it as we look at them every day.

I realized after I wrote my last post that I didn't even mention all the titles she got in agility.  And that got me really thinking about how little they matter.  I'd trade them all for another day with her.  The titles are a mere nod to the relationship that I built with Sammy and the amazing journey we had.  So many are caught up in the chase for titles, which I do understand, but lose sight of the moments that we share with our dogs that make up the journey.

I've lost dogs before.  I've lost old dogs, that I rescued and loved.  I lost Jive, and that shattered me in a way that is hard to describe.  But losing Sammy is a different loss---she's the first dog I've lost that I created an intense, deep connection with over a long period of time.  I think when you choose to train your dog in a sport, and you spend hours and hours training them, competing with them, traveling with them, you create an even more special bond, on a different level.

I am grateful that most of the people that I surround myself with understand my grief on some level.  My dogs are my family, and it's hard when you lose a piece of your family.  But it's all part of sharing our lives with beings who just don't live nearly long enough.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I will be forever grateful to Sammy for all the lessons she taught me and the amazing amount of love she gave me, even when I didn't deserve it.